RAMBLE #15: ME AT THE GYM?!

I've had enough. Me and my fat has got to go. Time to hit the gym.

Yesterday, due to a series of events, I suddenly have a membership (at a discounted price) with a prominent gym that's open 24 hours. The last time I hit the gym I guess it was in 2008 when our company was offered a discounted membership fee from a nearby gym. 

I wasn't a maniac in the gym but boy did I shed those pounds and gained a bit of muscle. I was 195 lbs. back then and after a year of membership, I dropped to 170 lbs. I didn't reach my target weight but hell yeah did I feel great!

This time around, I would focus on cardio and flattening my gut. My first gym experience, I did everything which is why I wasn't able to develop my body properly. I did cardio and weight training without a clear target. I've already started reading up on articles and YouTube videos on gym exercises focused on cardio and flattening my stomach. Once I'm at my ideal weight I plan next to hit the weights to develop my muscles. 

I'm actually excited to be honest. I tried the cheaper gyms in our area and I guess I got spoiled with the high-end ones because they have a complete facility of equipment plus there wasn't much people so you didn't have to get in line to join. I'm planning to start next week once I sort out my work schedule so that I can squeeze in some exercise time. Plus, I wanna buy a yoga mat because hey, the membership ain't cheap so I'm gonna try out all the classes. Judge me if you want.

Currently, I'm at around 200 lbs., aged 36 at 5'6" in height. My target weight should be 155 lbs. Holy hell it's gonna be journey. 

RAMBLE #14: WHAT IS YOUR PASSION AND HOW DO YOU ATTAIN IT?

I've been questioning my passion lately.

When my mom was sick at the hospital, she asked me, "Are you happy with what you're doing?" Since I work for her and she has heart problems, I lied and said that I was happy, but actually, I wasn't.

I've posted tweets before about my admiration for people that are able to do the things they love doing AND get paid to do it. I think we as Filipinos are too 'blue collar' when it comes to our comprehension of what is REAL work and what is a waste of time.

I for example would LOVE to get into eSports. Sadly, it's not a thing here in the Philippines. It's a good thing though that PLDT and Globe are somewhat delving into the realm of eSports. 

I sooo badly want to get into that type of career that I applied for a part-time job at Garena (publishers of League of Legends in Southeast Asia) but they still haven't replied to it; probably also because they have too many similar requests from a lot of people. 

During the times I daydream, one of my thoughts was that: "If ever you get into a career related to video games or board games, would you take it? Would you leave mom and the company she is hoping you would continue?" Sadly, my answer is NO. I respect my mom too much to let the company she built get buried once she's gone. Even if it means I get to do something I'm not particularly fond of in exchange for something that would make me happy.

If only life was a movie where you can just flip the script. Unfortunately it isn't and we'll just have to roll with the punches.

IS GAMING ADDICTION REALLY A DISORDER?

From my last post, I talked about my take on why people think gaming is a waste of time. While going through my Twitter feed, I chanced upon this article from a very reputable media company talking about the World Health Organization's (WHO) claim that gaming addiction is a form of mental disorder.

They did mention near the end of the article that it isn't official yet and needs further study as they haven't exactly quantified how could an individual be considered to have this disorder. I guess it's similar to any kind of addiction but personally as a gamer, it is less destructive compared to gambling for instance.


As a person into gaming, it has its benefits. For those into multiplayer games, it is a channel for social activities. This is the chance for people to connect with others via the Internet. I can attest to this as I have met a ton of people online both here and abroad through massive multiplayer online  role playing games (MMO RPG). It has also improved my spoken and written English as well. Strategy games like the Civilization series helped my critical thinking and resource management skills.

I guess what drives the addiction for some people is that there is that need to achieve since they cannot achieve anything significant in real life. I know that's why there are times I can't stop gaming: I feel like a failure in real life so maybe at least in a video game, there is something I can say that I'm good at.

Hopefully it doesn't become officially a disorder. Plus parent's can help out by at least trying to understand what games are and how does it mold their kid's everyday life. Take for example, Rick Fox.

Some years after he retired from professional basketball, he got involved in eSports by purchasing the spot of Gravity Gaming, a defunct professional League of Legends team, and started Echo Fox.

When he was interviewed, he said that the reason why he got into eSports was because he wanted to connect with his son.

He saw that this was something his son believed in and he wanted to be a part of it. He even went ahead and tried to learn the game by playing with his son. They even have a YouTube channel showing them trying to learn different game during their free time.

In closing, my bias and personal take is that gaming is a hobby and not a disorder. It only becomes a disorder when people stop having a real life in exchange for a virtual one.

RAMBLE #13: DEPRESSION - WISE WORDS FROM YODA

I went to mass last yesterday and I heard something I wouldn't normally hear from a priest: quoting Yoda from Star Wars.

He said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Based off the looks of the people at church, they either:

1.) Had no idea who Yoda was.
2.) Haven't seen a Star Wars movie at all.
3.) genuinely didn't care.

These words struck me because it brought me back to the time I was going through depression. Through introspection, I realized that each of these stages brought me to depression.




The first one is FEAR. I'm a person that CRAVES admiration and validation. As I go back through my past I realize it was mainly because I never had any when I was younger (kinda immature, eh?) I'm the eldest of three siblings and two of my siblings were academically smarter than I was hence they got most of the praise from my parents and they are always talked about with relatives. They were way more good looking than I am. When I hit puberty, I had pimples and hair everywhere while they got slimmer, taller and better skin. I had very low self esteem and as a result, I was never confident enough to be myself. I always had to pretend I was somebody I'm not. Even to this day, I have this tendency which gets me in trouble or sometimes help propel me forward. This bad habit all stems from the FEAR of losing the attention of others.

The second is ANGER. For the times that I couldn't get people's attention, I automatically get ANGRY at myself because when I look in the mirror, all I see is the face of a failure. There was already this silent sense of doubt hovering over me whenever I have to complete a task at work, home or for myself. I always expect to fail and when I do, I automatically think to myself that I'm a 'fucking failure' that has no place in this world.

Anger then brings me to HATE wherein I start shoving away people in my life, isolating myself because I already have this mentality that I am no good to others, so why bother with this life. I refuse to join social activities, talk to family, hell, I even didn't speak to my wife at times. And the most frightening of them all is that I hated myself that I wanted to erase my existence.

And the final stage is SUFFERING wherein I've turned to the dark side and was entertaining thoughts of ending my life. The only thing that kept from doing it are the thought of the things that I wanted to do in the near future.

How did I get out? Yoda said it himself: "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Basically what I did was that I stopped giving a fuck if people liked me or not. So what if they think I'm a loser? As long as the people that genuinely care for me think I'm awesome, that's all that matters.

I trained myself to accept that I cannot please everyone; I just need to focus my energy on those that do, to get that sense of belonging and not the feeling of loneliness.

If you're still going through depression: hang in there bud. People will be here to help but you need to realize what is causing the depression so that you can focus your energy towards fighting it. I love you and good luck my dude.

RAMBLE #12: DEPRESSION - WHY PEOPLE MUST NOT TAKE IT AS A JOKE

R.I.P. Anthony Bourdain.

Real talk coming up my dude.

I wasn't a hard-core fan Mr. Bourdain; I watched his shows occasionally on the Internet but I'm still sad to learn that another significant person in the lives of many is gone. I really fancy the premise of his shows which is to travel the world and bathe in their culture and try their food.


What is much more unfortunate to know is that the alleged reason for his demise his suicide most likely due to depression.

It's funny how successful and rich people still get depressed and commit suicide; what more for ordinary folk like me and you. Apparently this shows that money, power and fame does not exempt someone from depression.

It's also sad that a lot of people take this mental health condition as a joke. I've spoken to a lot of people and they just think it's something you can just turn off or just think happy thoughts and it will all go away. I should know.

I haven't been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I've fought bouts of it for three years. It's that feeling of uselessness and hopelessness that you don't really want to wake up the next day and experience it all over again. It is totally uncontrollable and no matter how much you drown yourself in leisure, you'll eventually stop and start feeling that emptiness again.

Most people would recommend to talk to someone about it but this isn't always the solution. The person you'll be speaking with should have maturity and open-mindedness to understand the situation. I am basically speaking through experience. I talked to my mom, dad and wife about it but all they gave me was a shrug and said, "Get over it." Personally I wish it was that easy. There were times I went on leave from work to 'get over it' but even during my time at the pool or facing nature, there is always that little voice in my head telling me that, "C'mon man. When this is all over? You'll go back to your job and home and meet the same people who pretend they understand you. NOTHING WILL CHANGE."

..Meet 

the same people 

who pretend 

they understand you. 

Nothing will change.

People have different ways of overcoming depression. Mine was when I joined a religious community. I haven't felt the same symptoms of depression for a couple of months now. It didn't happen instantaneously though; it started when I was given a particular role which gave me a sense of purpose. My leaders were also very patient with my mistake and even encouraged me to try again and learn from my mistake. It was a breath of fresh air from the usual negativity I experienced from my dad and wife. I wasn't immediately judged and I was always given a chance to defend myself which made me a lot more determined to work hard.

Now, going this route may or may not work for you. But if you're going through it now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how cliche that may sound. What kept me from killing myself was that I always reminded myself of the stuff that I still wanted to do: buy a house, get my own car, have kids, travel, eat at a buffet whenever I wanted without having to look in my wallet, etc. In a small way, it gave me that little nudge to push forward.

I know what you're going through my dude. I may not be an expert at it, but I can sure as hell talk to you about it. No judgement here; from one stranger on the Internet to another.

ARE GAMES A WASTE OF TIME?

I'm fond of League of Legends, a 5-versus-5, player-versus-player video game wherein the objective is to destroy the enemies base.

A popular League of Legends personality that goes by his in-game name of Tyler1 recently raged on a video about the state of the game and that his too addicted to the game to even care about cheating, griefing and trolling going on.

I too am in a similar state wherein I'm too addicted to quit. My main thing though is that video games (or games in general) is my form of release. The real world can suck quite honestly, but in a game, you can pretend to be who you ACTUALLY want to be in an instant. No one will judge you because everyone is also pretending.


Another thing I'm fond of about games is the competitiveness and the chance to win fairly. Unlike in the real world where it is a norm to cheat the system in order to get ahead (at least here in the Philippines). As a fan of board games, you get to compete with other players and it's fair game since everyone is bounded by rules. You are still allowed to think about the box but within the borders of the rule book. Which in real life is kinda the same thing, I think. But at least in games, it's harmless fun.

What I'm trying to get at is that I am always ridiculed if I admit I still play games as a 36 year old, married man. Here in the Philippines, the older generation sees games as a waste of time. I admit that that it is true IF there are things to be done and I'm sitting here just playing.

My take on it is that I'm not the type of person to just slave my whole day towards work; that's what I hated the most being in a BPO the last 11 years: there was no time for fun unless you intentionally created it via going on leave OR pretending to be sick to get a day-off.

I'm a staunch believer in work-life balance and by balance I mean work and then play and not work and then side jobs. For some, maybe the side job IS their hobby like if you are into the stock market. But for me, I don't mind slaving at work for 12 hours or more as long as when I'm done with that, I get to do something that I'm interested in: be it going on Reddit, playing video games or watching my favorite TV show.

Photo credit to onlineuniversities.com

The sad thing is that: most people see me as lazy when I do this. Personally, I think people shouldn't be judged just because they have a different way on how they spend their free time. There have been different studies pertaining to the benefit of video games and I believe that but my experience may be anecdotal since I'm biased towards it.

To end, I hope that someday I can be a part of a generation that can prove that playing games is not a waste of time and can be a productive hobby wherein you can learn something of of it similar to exercising or reading a book.

I would love to be around when the day comes that games are something that people would recommend to do on your free time.

  

RAMBLE #11

Had an unpleasant discussion with my dad again. He is asking me to work on his side jobs to get my feet wet into being an entrepreneur. 

I understand that he is looking out for me, but he's not really much of a mentor. At first I thought it would work out like a partnership, but not it's more employee - boss relationship. Before, I always get pissed off because whenever we have our meeting, he's always so condescending and compares me to everyone much more successful than I am at an early age. I'm thinking this is his way to motivate me, but it isn't working. Now, I'm just numb. I take whatever bullshit he tells me and just do as I am told. 

But this worked in a good way. For some reason, I feel so motivated not because of inspiration but more because of rage. I want to sarcastically tell my dad someday that the reason I am successful is because he always said I was old and unsuccessful.

Right now, I'm evaluating what I enjoy and what I think I'm good at and I think it is event coordination given that I also have friends who can be point persons for events. For the next few days, I will research on how to get into this kind of business.

It's odd that I had to be insulted so much to a point that I want to do something on my own for once. 

RAMBLE #10

First day of June. Holy hell. We're OFFICIALLY six (6) months into the year!

Got a lotta things to do this weekend which makes it exhausting and exciting:

1. Band practice.
2. House Chores.
3. Enroll for the 1st sem of grad school.
4. Online gaming with friends.
5. Watch the 'Solo' movie. People says it sucks, but as a Star Wars fan, I'm determined to watch it no matter what.
6. Zumba with the Titas of our subdivision (Don't judge me! It's better than jogging IMO).

It's packed! Finally, SOMETHING breaks the monotony of my everyday