RAMBLE #13: DEPRESSION - WISE WORDS FROM YODA

I went to mass last yesterday and I heard something I wouldn't normally hear from a priest: quoting Yoda from Star Wars.

He said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Based off the looks of the people at church, they either:

1.) Had no idea who Yoda was.
2.) Haven't seen a Star Wars movie at all.
3.) genuinely didn't care.

These words struck me because it brought me back to the time I was going through depression. Through introspection, I realized that each of these stages brought me to depression.




The first one is FEAR. I'm a person that CRAVES admiration and validation. As I go back through my past I realize it was mainly because I never had any when I was younger (kinda immature, eh?) I'm the eldest of three siblings and two of my siblings were academically smarter than I was hence they got most of the praise from my parents and they are always talked about with relatives. They were way more good looking than I am. When I hit puberty, I had pimples and hair everywhere while they got slimmer, taller and better skin. I had very low self esteem and as a result, I was never confident enough to be myself. I always had to pretend I was somebody I'm not. Even to this day, I have this tendency which gets me in trouble or sometimes help propel me forward. This bad habit all stems from the FEAR of losing the attention of others.

The second is ANGER. For the times that I couldn't get people's attention, I automatically get ANGRY at myself because when I look in the mirror, all I see is the face of a failure. There was already this silent sense of doubt hovering over me whenever I have to complete a task at work, home or for myself. I always expect to fail and when I do, I automatically think to myself that I'm a 'fucking failure' that has no place in this world.

Anger then brings me to HATE wherein I start shoving away people in my life, isolating myself because I already have this mentality that I am no good to others, so why bother with this life. I refuse to join social activities, talk to family, hell, I even didn't speak to my wife at times. And the most frightening of them all is that I hated myself that I wanted to erase my existence.

And the final stage is SUFFERING wherein I've turned to the dark side and was entertaining thoughts of ending my life. The only thing that kept from doing it are the thought of the things that I wanted to do in the near future.

How did I get out? Yoda said it himself: "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Basically what I did was that I stopped giving a fuck if people liked me or not. So what if they think I'm a loser? As long as the people that genuinely care for me think I'm awesome, that's all that matters.

I trained myself to accept that I cannot please everyone; I just need to focus my energy on those that do, to get that sense of belonging and not the feeling of loneliness.

If you're still going through depression: hang in there bud. People will be here to help but you need to realize what is causing the depression so that you can focus your energy towards fighting it. I love you and good luck my dude.

RAMBLE #12: DEPRESSION - WHY PEOPLE MUST NOT TAKE IT AS A JOKE

R.I.P. Anthony Bourdain.

Real talk coming up my dude.

I wasn't a hard-core fan Mr. Bourdain; I watched his shows occasionally on the Internet but I'm still sad to learn that another significant person in the lives of many is gone. I really fancy the premise of his shows which is to travel the world and bathe in their culture and try their food.


What is much more unfortunate to know is that the alleged reason for his demise his suicide most likely due to depression.

It's funny how successful and rich people still get depressed and commit suicide; what more for ordinary folk like me and you. Apparently this shows that money, power and fame does not exempt someone from depression.

It's also sad that a lot of people take this mental health condition as a joke. I've spoken to a lot of people and they just think it's something you can just turn off or just think happy thoughts and it will all go away. I should know.

I haven't been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I've fought bouts of it for three years. It's that feeling of uselessness and hopelessness that you don't really want to wake up the next day and experience it all over again. It is totally uncontrollable and no matter how much you drown yourself in leisure, you'll eventually stop and start feeling that emptiness again.

Most people would recommend to talk to someone about it but this isn't always the solution. The person you'll be speaking with should have maturity and open-mindedness to understand the situation. I am basically speaking through experience. I talked to my mom, dad and wife about it but all they gave me was a shrug and said, "Get over it." Personally I wish it was that easy. There were times I went on leave from work to 'get over it' but even during my time at the pool or facing nature, there is always that little voice in my head telling me that, "C'mon man. When this is all over? You'll go back to your job and home and meet the same people who pretend they understand you. NOTHING WILL CHANGE."

..Meet 

the same people 

who pretend 

they understand you. 

Nothing will change.

People have different ways of overcoming depression. Mine was when I joined a religious community. I haven't felt the same symptoms of depression for a couple of months now. It didn't happen instantaneously though; it started when I was given a particular role which gave me a sense of purpose. My leaders were also very patient with my mistake and even encouraged me to try again and learn from my mistake. It was a breath of fresh air from the usual negativity I experienced from my dad and wife. I wasn't immediately judged and I was always given a chance to defend myself which made me a lot more determined to work hard.

Now, going this route may or may not work for you. But if you're going through it now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how cliche that may sound. What kept me from killing myself was that I always reminded myself of the stuff that I still wanted to do: buy a house, get my own car, have kids, travel, eat at a buffet whenever I wanted without having to look in my wallet, etc. In a small way, it gave me that little nudge to push forward.

I know what you're going through my dude. I may not be an expert at it, but I can sure as hell talk to you about it. No judgement here; from one stranger on the Internet to another.

RAMBLE #11

Had an unpleasant discussion with my dad again. He is asking me to work on his side jobs to get my feet wet into being an entrepreneur. 

I understand that he is looking out for me, but he's not really much of a mentor. At first I thought it would work out like a partnership, but not it's more employee - boss relationship. Before, I always get pissed off because whenever we have our meeting, he's always so condescending and compares me to everyone much more successful than I am at an early age. I'm thinking this is his way to motivate me, but it isn't working. Now, I'm just numb. I take whatever bullshit he tells me and just do as I am told. 

But this worked in a good way. For some reason, I feel so motivated not because of inspiration but more because of rage. I want to sarcastically tell my dad someday that the reason I am successful is because he always said I was old and unsuccessful.

Right now, I'm evaluating what I enjoy and what I think I'm good at and I think it is event coordination given that I also have friends who can be point persons for events. For the next few days, I will research on how to get into this kind of business.

It's odd that I had to be insulted so much to a point that I want to do something on my own for once. 

RAMBLE #6

I woke up late for work today. But there is something I picked up while rushing out: Most of my neighbors were just hanging out outside their gate chilling at 7:30 in the morning. I realized some of these dudes have businesses of their own. 

I suddenly have this notion to that I too want this lifestyle. At 36, the rat race is tiring. The challenge is that I don't really have the resources to start on my own plus at 36, it'll be tough to get a better, high paying job. This is why I hope going to grad school pays off somehow. Speaking of which, I haven't enrolled yet  kinda tough to balance the budget for school and home but hopefully it does someday. 

I remember a friend once asked that, if I had the resources, what business would I start. I thought about it and there are a couple of things I love: sports, public speaking/master of ceremonies, video games and board games. 

I first thought about a board game cafe; it has a niche audience but I think it'll be fun. I'll have to hang around board game cafes to learn how does their business work. I also would love to take a side job of public speaking or being a master of ceremonies. I love being in front of a crowd. I don't have stage fright and I love the attention. Problem is, I'm an overweight, 36 year old dude and not particularly good looking so that's going to be a challenge. 

I'm not really sure how to get there, but if ever I do get a chance to start a business, it'll be about these two. I really want the "do whatever you want, whenever you want" lifestyle and seeing my mid 40s and 50s neighbors getting ready to watch game 7 between the Rockets and the Warriors on a freaking Tuesday work day, motivates me even more.

RAMBLE #5

Last weekend was a blast. No partying BUT at least it breaks the routine of the daily grind. I just wished I prepared for it financially, but at least I made the most of what I had.

Hopefully the inspiration carries over to the work week where toxicity is constantly present. Hope whoever is reading this gets to have an awesome week as well.

RAMBLE #4

Someone is asking me to be more productive at night; he tells me that just relegating time at home as resting time is for poor people. In a way, he is right but I'm having trouble being productive at home in terms of work especially if there is nothing worth to be busy for. With the 24 hours everyone is given, I spend around 12 hours a day outside of my house for work; SUPPOSEDLY 8 hours for sleep but in reality it's only 6 hours which leaves me with 6 hours to do whatever I want. Sounds excessive for some but work is the last thing on my mind once I get home.

Right now, I'm just trying to get excited with my monotonous day. Looking for the small things that would make it different.

(Okay, my mind went blank. I'll just continue this later).

RAMBLE #2

Why am I not happy?

Actually, I don't really know. If anyone here knew me in real life they would say I have very decent life that people on the streets would take if they had the chance and I totally agree.

Why am I not happy?

Maybe it's because I'm envious? Jealous of the people who are doing something that they are passionate about while I'm doing something I'm not really fond of but it helps get food on the table and pay the bills?

Why am I not happy?

 

I'm not really sure to be honest. I just try to keep busy all the time so that I won't even think about it. It's tough when people compare you to others when you know for a fact you are unique. I believe people who look at me think that I'm a made man, an extrovert but really it's all a facade.

Why am I not happy?

I hope I eventually figure it out. Getting out of the bed and preparing for work is so dreadful. I guess it's because I'm doing too much for someone else' benefit and not for mine? Maybe, but I have to and don't really have a choice.

Why am I not happy?

Maybe I have a perverted idea on what I consider happy? Most of the time I'm content with what I have, but then I compare what I have with what others have which is bad on my part.

Why am I not happy?

I miss my friends. Since we're all at our tito and tita phase, we've all been busy with something. I just hope I figure out my life's calling someday before it's too late.

Too much drama for now. Time to get busy